ok so LOTS of shit is happening in television world (REAL WORLD ROAD RULES CHALLENGES STRESS ME OUT! I LOVE CRYING, WATCHING THE BIGGEST LOSER AND THEN GOING TO BED WISHING FOR BONELESS BUFFALO WINGS!) but i have been really BUSY with all that cancer walk stuff (this week i walked to DSW shoe warehouse and i cried and yelled at prairie dog. i am GOING PLACES!)
lucky for me, i have a very good friend (lets just call him THE! ESTRANGED! BILL! PAXTON! TO! MY! CHUBBY! CHLOE! SEVIGNY!) kyle is super famous and super smart and interviewed the director of grey gardens and now works at movieline. which basically takes a crap on nick denton's head but with a better format. and thanks to him i can keep up with ALL THE AWESOME SHIT THAT IS COMING OUT OF YOUR TV THIS SUMMER! PUT YOUR RAINBOOTS ON! WE'RE GOING TO THE JERSEY SHORE!
i have been talking about the real housewives of new jersey premiere like its the second coming of christ.
and tonight i got a sneak peak at the glory that will soon be ours every week starting May 12.
here is why i am excited about this particular season:
1. CAROLINE: is this woman a distant relative of mine? shes like my mom on steroids. or just a jersey version of mi madre. also i like that her story is that they had nothing when they started out....it thaws out my dark angry heart. and of course reminds me of MY family's story.
2. they all seem like they are actually friends, as opposed to the new york ladies or the OC creamsicles. i know how these things work. my aunts and all their sisters in law and brothers in law are all married and up in each other's business and its JUST LIKE THIS SHOW except in broad channel new york and its all about boats and not cars.
3. the line "he just goes there once a day for his routine.....blow job?" need i sy more?
4. fights and columbian cartels? sold.
4. the word bubbies is used frequently and in front of children. again, i can almost SMELL broad channel when i hear the word bubbies.
ok so i have a weekend that has involved a great deal of "doing"
that being said i got wasted at my parents' house (well, wasted is a strong word....pretty buzzed) while watching the dogs during a snowstorm. while there, i raided their shit. i ganked a bunch of old photos from our good old times in japan and the trips that we took to europe (back when i was a complete shit and totally undeserving of the opportunities that they granted me). i also grabbed this little fucking gem: yeah got me a vhs copy too.
its pretty sweet. i am going to try and fall asleep to this. i probably won't fall asleep because i really fucking love this movie (can you believe what a fat ass val kilmer became? and not in a good way, you know?) and i can't wait to watch it.
levi on tyra. seriously. i gotta get dvr'ing this. this isn't the kind of shit that i can just get a recap of on jezebel or the soup. i have to drink this one in.
no but seriously does levi make anyone ELSE really uncomfortable? i guess its because he's kind of an average high school kid. shit if i had to go and be interviewed by tyra at the age of...what 17? does it matter? i would crap my pants and drool or something. or curl up in a ball on the floor buster style. also on rhny this week brittney and the other tall brown thing (who dresses like some malibu reject circa 2005. where is your ed hardy sweatsuit, idiot?)got into an epic fight that made me think that tall brown thing does the drugs. mostly cocaine. i say this because i used to know a girl (no furreal. this girl is NOT me) who did alot of drugs and used to run up to me at parties and yell things like "WHY DO YOU HAVE BEEF WITH ME?" this girl was like 5 feet tall and looked like phillysdiller. she also locked me in a bathroom once. so i know about these things people. i can see it a mile away.
BUT BUT BUT!!!! real housewives of new jersey is going to bring the pain so hard! it looks so delicious. so much red hair! so much booze! so many french manicures! so much yelling! so few appropriately placed Rs!!!! get your franzia out ladies! its time to party!!
ALSO ALSO ALSO:
who is this hot tranny mess, you ask? oh thats not sandra oh playing a hollywood blvd hooker with a heart of gold in a jazzed up mcg remake of "pretty woman." no no non! thats mother fucking DAISY from rock of love in a show called...none other than "daisy of love." gotta tell you...that name kind of falls flat...but can you blame them? what were they going to call it? daisy chain"? that sounds like something VERY dirty and not in a cute way. in a like "taking advantage of women/thai sex show" way. (am i going to far? sorry. i haven't had a drink in a week or something)
you know what daisy? fuck yo motha fucking myspace page.
now, the comment above aside (ballsy colin. ballsy and awesome that you are in on that joke) i have to admit that i had pretty much let go of my epic crush on colin meloy. mostly because of the pretension of his ENTIRE twitter. WE GET IT DUDE. you're super smart and you live in portland and you like to read obscure literature and smoke a pipe in front of the fire. we GET IT. he also stages these like PRESS CONFERENCES of sorts where he opens the floor for twitter questions from his followers where they ask him what he's reading, what his favorite morrisey song is and what his favorite kind of weather is or some shit. its all very "you may now direct a few questions at your king" and it kind of made me gag.
basically rainn wilson is the only one of the trifecta that still retains his place in my heart. so i leave you with this adorbs bearded picture of his bespectacled face.
ok i DO NOT know what is happening to me. i am stroking out pretty hardcore. i just dropped my laptop on the floor which created a kind of domino effect that resulted in a spilled arnie palmer, dropping my camera, my cat destroying my blinds and ashes all over my couch.
so basically i am doing GREAT thanks for asking.
this weekend was so sleepover-licious! i had katie, amy and shannon up on friday to decorate our buckets for collecting money for the 3 day walk. there was beer, mexican food, a trip to walgreens (I LOVE DRUG STORES!) and glitter glue. also keith olbermann (cat) was terrorized by oliver and he has yet to fully forgive me. he has been sleeping on my desk and invariably changing ALL my work passwords. so thanks for that. i suppose it was YOU who made that mysterious $200 charge on my corporate amex?
last night court came over for st pat's dinner (we're a little slow around here) with my family and then we headed down to the hi-dive to see bishop allen. we literally got there just as they were starting (I DRIVE LIKE AN OLD WOMAN!) (fast and FURIOUS geriatric drift). the show was fantastic and i was feeling super dancey so of course i wound up with gum in my shoe (and inexplicably in my hair?!?!?). i also ran into a bunch of people that i knew and i dont KNOW that many people in denver so i mean....clearly my friends have impeccable taste in music and i have stellar friends, right? i got to meet darbie and avoided word vomiting on justin so the night was a success. big fatty thanks to tbonz for da hookup!! when i ever make it out to new york, i am taking you and lesley out to dinner at harold's restaurant. duh.
last time they came into town, tbonz informed me that the band's bus had broken down outside of denver. if that had happened this time, sleepover status would have been taken to epic levels that involved PBR, tagalong ice cream and gossip girl. JEALOUS??? yeah. thought so.
so that leaves me here, out of cigarettes with a case of PBR in my fridge taunting me and a broken body.
you know what i am? america's next. top. model. with an arnie palmer. you're still jealous. i know that.
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